A celebration that went wrong: a composition model essay
Ronaldo Lim, P5 (improved version)
Pictures: firecracker, food poisoning, ambulance
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Below is a picture of DRAFT 2 of the student's composition. Our students go through multiple rewrites to improve their composition writing skills. We have presented the improved version of this draft in this blog. We have highlighted good phrases that were used in this composition.
Model composition - Primary 5 - A celebration that went wrong
"I can't wait for the party to begin!" I exclaimed excitedly. It was my eleventh birthday, and my parents finally let me organise an outdoor party. The place was filled with a cheery vibe of festivity. Soon, the first guest arrived. My parents greeted them warmly and served them drinks. One of the guests, Uncle Joe, gave mea hazelnut chocolate cake for dessert. I was looking forward to the celebration! But little did I know something unexpected was going to happen.
At first, everything was going smoothly; all the guests had arrived. The party started soon after, and my parents served me and the guests some food. A buzz of excitement filled the air as many people gave me presents. Soon, all the food was served.
"Dessert time!" I said this as I cut myself a slice of the delectable chocolate cake.I took a few bites and thought the cake was the best thing I had ever eaten."Wow! Hazelnut is so tasty!" I exclaimed, as I had never been allowed to eat.hazelnut before. However, as it was my birthday, I could do anything I wanted.But soon, my stomach started aching, and angry red marks appeared on my arm.Suddenly, I realised something.
I was allergic to hazelnuts!
A while later, my stomach began to ache more. So I quickly dashed to the toilet.and took a massive dump, as I realised I had an upset stomach thanks to my allergy to hazelnuts. "Don't you know Ronaldo is allergic to hazelnuts?" My Mother looked at Uncle Joe with dagger-like eyes as she ran frantically to me.when I came out of the toilet. Unfortunately, my mother tripped on someone's foot.and her head smashed on the half-eaten chocolate cake. Everyone's jaw fell agape.and a few of my friends gasped in shock. My father quickly rushed to my aid as my chocolate cake-covered mother went back to the house to have a quick bath.
The ambulance soon arrived, after my father had called me. The paramedics sprang into action, and took me to the hospital. Before I left, Uncle Joe apologised.profusely to my parents. My mother then said that the party would be postponed.
Lying in the ambulance, I recalled the events of the day. Because of my predicament, my birthday celebration was ruined. From that day on, I learned to take care of myself and not eat anything with hazelnuts ever in my life.again.
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